I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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