Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
