How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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