dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
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