I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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