You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Randomize
