i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
