I'm jealous of your bromance
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I had to cum in my sink.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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