There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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