I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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