No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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