I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
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