God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
