I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
