i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
