either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
it's great music for shaving your balls
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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