I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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