just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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