Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
He has the fingertips of a God
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