Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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