you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
