I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
