I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
