Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
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