I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Randomize
