they need to just BURY HIM!
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Randomize
