He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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