ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
