Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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