oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
