Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
