life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Randomize
