I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Randomize
