I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Randomize
