dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
