Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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