I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
