How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
