I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
