Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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