I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
