I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
