In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Randomize
