Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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