Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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