Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
