are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
