I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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