I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
