No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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