I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
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