is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
