I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Randomize
