That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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