Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
